Aug 3, 2014

What I would tell her

I would tell her that I know how hard she struggled and I probably can only barely begin to see how painful it must have been for her to leave her daughter behind. I would tell her that I suspect she can’t forgive herself and that’s one reason why we have so many misunderstandings. When you feel guilty you project judgment on others and then you defend and defend.

I would tell her I have compassion for her deeper than she knows but that she must also be brave enough to hear my anger. I would tell her that it could be worse; she could be denying herself and myself a true relationship of understanding.

I would tell her I suffer every day and that not a day goes by I don’t think about her with a stone cold deep sadness in my heart about how things are. I would tell her I grieve every night and every day that we have not found a way to be close, that she has not found it in her heart to truly hear me, to just be with me, to stop blaming me.

I would tell her I love her and I thank her for cutting the pineapple for me after I gave birth and that I still can’t sleep at night for sadness at the way our mother daughter bond went.

Can’t we change it? Can’t we do anything? I would ask her. Before it’s too late, before you are dead.

I would tell her I am tired of her saying she does not know what to do when I tell her what to do and then she refuses to do it and insists on being right in her way.

I would tell her, why are you so stubborn, your daughter needs you.

I would tell her, remember that day you said life felt like walking around with your leg cut off, because you were not close to your daughter, well how do you think I feel, without a mother to be close to?

I would tell her, watch Byron Katie, don’t believe your mean thoughts about me.

I would tell her, pls forgive me for believing my mean thoughts about you.

I would tell her I love her and I thank her and to pls forgive me and that I forgive her.