This seems like it might be a really long post but here I go anyway (took 18 minutes).
About two years ago I signed up to host international students. The lists kept getting e-mailed of all the students that needed a place and for some reason I rarely felt attracted to any of the names.
My husband and I had gotten married a few months earlier and were enjoying some honeymoon time as well. We were talking about possibly having a child soon and although I wanted very much to be the mother of his child, I had some very serious doubts about being a mother.
I had done tons of therapy to work through the way my "daughterhood" went. It just seemed to work out pretty traumatic, especially the ages 6-17 or so. I felt very alone in those years and even though I know my mother loved me she also had some pretty serious depression and anxiety that was undealt with and that made her emotionally unavailable, critical, angry, spiteful and volatile. She also seemed to compete with me in my teenage years and unable to respond to my emotional needs. She felt the need to constantly be right, prove and reprove it and set up situations where she could prove that once again. Offering to help me with homework was a trap to create an opportunity for her to flex her academic muscles while belittling my relatively unformed ones.
Needless to say there was a sense of self-confidence I very much lacked as a woman. It took me many years in therapy, self-reflection and prayer to get to a place of being able to hear and nurture my own emotional needs. I felt insecure as a female and also as an adult female. I was afraid that I would be a bad wife and never form a healthy relationship (which I overcame partly with my supportive and loving husband's help). I was particularly afraid that I would be a bad mother if I were to have a girl.
That summer the list was sent out and on it was one name that stood out to me, Alessandra. Without thinking twice, for the first time ever, I sent an e-mail to the foreign student organizers saying that we would host Alessandra.
A few days after I found out that my beloved dog Mimi was dying of cancer and I would need to put her down to relieve some of her suffering. Plagued by thoughts of self-doubt I tried to cancel hosting Alessandra, thinking that I needed to devote time to caring for my dog of 8 years and not knowing how much of a host mom I would be while mourning her death.
But the reply came from the organizers that, alas, they had no one else available to host and anyway Alessandra's friend was going to be living nearby and they wanted to be close to each other. I felt like I could not back out now.
But I was so filled with insecurity that I could not sleep that night. Alessandra's mom had sent me an e-mail saying hello with picture of their family and they all looked like movie stars and very happy. Looking at that picture I felt that our little home and my insecure life would be inadequate.
Bravely I wrote again to the organisers, particularly because that night I couldn't sleep until 3 am saying that I could not take Alessandra. But I also prayed. I told God all my worries and fears but I kept hearing The Voice that I should host her anyway. Despite this guidance I sent the 3 am e-mail but did ask upon sending it that God's will not mine be done.
Alessandra did come to stay with us. She was wonderful and darling and we loved her and cared for her and picked her up at the trolley station and walked her to the bus stop. In the mornings I would walk to the bakery and buy her favorite sweets and sometimes I would make her dinner so that she could eat when she came home after a full day of exploring San Diego with her friends. I would check in on her when she did her homework and drive her to the beach fro walks together.
Several times she said I was a good mom and a perfect mom. I could not believe it because she had nothing but good things to say about her Italian family and her own mother so I know she knew GOOD MOM!!!
Mimi did die while Alessandra was here but she walked through that part of it together as one would with any family member.
When Alessandra left we both cried and a week later I found out that I was pregnant! This was a miracle, especially when we found out that it was going to be a baby girl. We decided to name her Alessandra and I felt that I was ready and capable of being her mother. I was also willing.
My friend Talia suggested I write a song for her and we did. Here is the song and HOW the song came into being is the subject of my next miracle post.
Miracles HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! WOHOOO! PRAISE GOD!
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