Dreams

My top 5 Values:

1. Spirituality, sense of purpose and Faith
2. Authenticity, Honesty and Genuineness
3. Creativity, Ingenuity and Originality
4. Gratitude
5. Bravery, Valor and Courage

Wow what a satisfying night, as my art therapist would say. It is so fulfilling to be seen, not just for where you are but also for who you are and where you can go with what IS you. Emilia, who IS you? A guy interested in me once asked and I laugh because I ask myself that daily. Who IS you? What wants to be created through you? What does God Source Infinite Creativity want you to create in your world, now? Now. Because now is all there is. I cannot create yesterday or tomorrow. I can only create now.

This online blog is beginning to replace my personal journal. My personal journal is morphing into less words and more art. And the words are making their way onto this page.

Out of the blue, a job as a trainer recently opened up and I, surprising myself by how excited I was, applied. Emil supported me and I took the next step after the interview, which is to request the job.

The amazing thing is that success is when opportunity meets preparedness. And I was prepared for this because I had been going to career counseling over the last year, really delving into what is a good fit. Emil and I prayed that God would make this job happen or close the door. God didn't close the door, so I kept going. My only concern is that it's not taking me away from my real purpose of writing and speaking about my own ideas, discoveries and sharing myself with the world. My prayer is that it take me closer to my dream not further from it.

I didn't slide into my 30s the way I did into my 20s, an easy slippery deeply disturbed but comfortable ride. Arriving into my 30s and now my late 30s feels like a squeaky wheel. Laden with health issues, addictive and very unproductive thoughts but yet clutching my belief in God's purpose for everything, I arrive here. I am baffled by the pretense and the fakeness. I am baffled that most people seem to devote as much energy as possible to not being who they truly are. I refuse to pretend in my marriage, with my friends and at work. I see pretending as death.

Yet many relationships ask for pretense, thankfully not the ones at work, just my parents!!! And my aunt, uncle and cousin. There is nothing as stressful in my life as my parents' preference that I just pretend. And for their sake I do. But because I do I avoid them. We don't have a connection, we just have a duty. They are the only place in my life where I pretend for survival, not from choice. Because if I don't pretend that they are "good" parents I will be attacked, ridiculed, criticized. I don't even share anything with them anymore. In looking at this, I realize we don't even have the same values.

I tell myself that I will have to take care of them they are old but that's not now. Living in the now, I make a different choice and that is to move if not physically, at least emotionally as far away from them as I can.

But it's Ok to pretend when you are faking it to make it, when you are conscious of it and doing it for a good reason. Right?

I am going to pretend that I can do 100% of anything that I deeply desire. I am just going to keep pretending.

I am seeing my friends drop off the radar of dreaming like flies. But I believe in dreams. I believe in doing anything and everything possible to live your dream and to support others' dreams.

I want to live my dream, I don't want my dreams to die, I want my daughter to see me following them. And I want her to see me supporting her father in them.

I want to support my husband in his dreams.

They are going to have to pry my dreams out of my dead little hands, because I am going to dream until the very day I die.