Mojo Myself and MORE

Today was a pivotal day. For two reasons, one because I am going to just share like I would in my journal without trying to impress anyone and two because of the kind of day it was.

I sit here with my little 5 month old baby in my bed, she is turning her head with a pacifier in her mouth and eyes rolling back, it's bedtime. How sweet to have her next to me as I write this, a dream come true.

The whit crib, that was given to us by a friend the week we started looking for a crib was another of the many sign that there IS a loving GOD and he/she IS providing, always, ENOUGH for our needs.

The crib is like a cemented image in my mind, a representation of my dream coming true and it is amazing to finally have it set up in the baby room. She is here, it is real.

Had I known I had fibromyalgia, or have the courage to ask for the diagnosis, which I fit exactly with sleep difficulties, aches, stiffness, migraines, food sensitivities, depression, anxiety, etc, I would not have had her. But it's Alessandra, I hear a little voice say. She gets it. No judgement. She chose me to be her Mommy.

I am kinda happy and hopeful. Because I FINALLY had the courage to face this disease. I went to a pain doctor today, and he GOT it. He GOT the hyper activation that my system is constantly in. He works with pain patients. I got some supplements, some pain cream and a blood test requisition. I am finally facing this.

Prior to this the diagnosis, the word fibromyalgia enraged and terrified me. I did work on it naturally for 8 years with only marginal results. But somehow I am in a different place now. I recognize that this is my journey. I accept. I see that this is a way to grow insurmountable compassion and strength, qualities I didn't have before this disease hit and I probably would not have developed.

I just rub some of Corinn Guntoli's "I speak Clearly" oil on my nose and throat chakra every morning and every night and remind myself that I speak lovingly to myself. And hey guess what, whenever I remind myself that I speak lovingly to myself, guess who else I speak lovingly to?

Yes I am happy. I am happy to be working on this. Thirty percent of his patients recover, Dr Bonakdar said. Hopefully I am going to him early enough that I can recover. Hopefully I am young enough, determined enough, with enough healthy habits already.

There is a part of me that has made peace with it, in a way. It majorly blows but on the other hand it's not terminal. And there are a lot of things one can do to enrich the quality of one's life.

The days that ensued walking out of the hospital with a newborn when I was drowning in pain and it became apparent that the pain I was experiencing (and still to some degree experience in my girl parts) was more than average, I asked myself how come no one stopped me.

I do I wonder this, when your medical professionals see that you have anxiety or depression, or if you are in some way handicapped or have a medical condition that may contribute to your inability to care for a child as well as a healthy person would, why don't they stop you?

Frankly, when we came home with a newborn, I was surprised that no one had stopped us. HA!

But now, 5 months later, I think we are GREAT parents, despite our difficulties. And when you have a problem like depression and anxiety, all you can do is be aware of it and handle it. Like an adult. And that is what I am doing.

I am amazed at how life changing this is for me. I remember the rage and emotional instability of my father and the anxiety and depression of my mother. When I was 8 yrs old, I wanted to kill myself because of my father's rage and neglect and when I was 12 yrs old I wanted to kill myself because of my  mother's emotional unavailability and depression.

I judged and was angry with my mother for many years and now looking back I see that not only did she have a very good reason to be depressed, but she was also biochemically predisposed to it. I judged my grandmother for not being able to move on from my grandfather's death, for being "stuck" in the tragedy of it, my mother and grandmother are stuck too.

And now I find myself stuck. I look around and life somehow seems to happen around me most of the time and I am not really feeling in the flow. I have been feeling this way for 8 yrs, after I got attacked by a pit bull and started working from home.

These realizations are life changing. I can't wait for the repercussions of my choices to handle this as an illness and get treatment to ripple out through my life. Praise God for my understanding and supportive husband. We all suffer from anxiety and depression but some of us are more prone to it taking a foothold in our lives and never leaving. Being "stuck" is a cingulate problem fairly commonly alleviated by SSRIs. Over-reactivity to pain is over-reactivity of the limbic system. I am very hopeful. YAY!